EFT for Grief and Loss — Supporting the Grieving Process

Presentation

Grief is one of the most universal and profound experiences of the human condition. Whether it involves the loss of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, the loss of a job, a life project, or one's health, the grieving process mobilizes all of an individual's emotional, cognitive, and somatic resources. While the majority of bereaved individuals navigate this process naturally — though painfully — a significant proportion (10 to 15% according to Shear et al., 2011) develop complicated or prolonged grief, characterized by persistent distress, an inability to reinvest in daily life, and symptoms that resemble post-traumatic stress disorder.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) applied to grief represents a particularly well-suited psychosomatic approach because it simultaneously addresses the three dimensions that define pathological grief: (1) the traumatic component — intrusive images, memories of the death announcement, the agony, the funeral, flashbacks of the last glance; (2) the complex emotional component — survivor's guilt, anger toward the deceased for leaving, anger toward oneself or caregivers, unexpressed regrets, abandonment anxiety; (3) the somatic component — the physical pain of grief, chest tightness, gastric knots, insomnia, exhaustion, loss of appetite.

It is fundamental to understand that EFT does not seek to "erase" grief or artificially accelerate the grieving process. Grief is a healthy and necessary response to the loss of an attachment bond. What EFT specifically targets is the release of traumatic components that block the natural grieving process: frozen memories that loop without being integrated, toxic emotions that corrode from within (guilt, anger, shame), and limiting beliefs that prevent reconstruction ("I don't deserve to be happy after their death," "If I stop suffering, it means I'm forgetting them").

The work of EFT Universe and protocols developed by Gary Craig, the founder of EFT, offer a structured methodology for grief that relies on the systematic treatment of "specific aspects" — a fundamental principle of clinical EFT. Rather than treating "grief" as a monolithic mass, the practitioner helps the patient identify and treat one by one the concrete elements that compose their suffering: the precise memory of the phone call announcing the death, the image of the deceased's face at the hospital, the smell of the room, the last word spoken, the personal object that triggers tears, the empty chair.

This protocol is grounded in Worden's (2009) theoretical model, which describes four tasks of grief: (1) accept the reality of the loss; (2) process the pain of grief; (3) adjust to an environment without the deceased; (4) find a way to maintain a connection with the deceased while reinvesting in one's own life. EFT facilitates each of these tasks by removing the emotional blockages that prevent their natural accomplishment. Clinical research shows promising results: studies by Boath et al. (2014) and Church et al. (2018) report significant reductions in complicated grief symptoms following brief EFT interventions.

Core Principles

1. Principle of Specificity of Grief Aspects: Grief is never a single, monolithic emotion. It is a constellation of specific memories, images, sounds, smells, words, gestures, and moments, each carrying its own emotional charge. The EFT practitioner works like an emotional archaeologist, helping the patient identify and treat each "aspect" individually. A single memory — for example, the last look exchanged with the deceased — may simultaneously contain sadness, guilt, anger, and love. Each of these emotions is treated separately, in the order they present themselves. This specific aspect approach is what allows EFT to be effective on even very old or very complex grief, because it breaks down the overwhelming mass of sorrow into manageable, treatable units.

2. Principle of Differentiating Clean Pain from Dirty Pain: EFT carefully distinguishes "clean pain" from "dirty pain." Clean pain is the natural, healthy, and necessary sorrow that accompanies any significant loss — it does not require treatment and must be respected in its expression. Dirty pain includes all the additional layers that attach themselves to natural grief and make it toxic: excessive guilt, repressed anger, shame, obsessive regrets, self-punishing beliefs. It is this dirty pain that EFT specifically targets. When the toxic layers are removed, clean pain can express itself freely and the natural grieving process resumes its course.

3. Principle of Tell the Story Adapted for Grief: Gary Craig's "Tell the Story" protocol is the central tool of EFT for grief. The patient is invited to tell the story of their loss from the beginning, step by step, as if reliving it. But — and this is the genius of the protocol — they are interrupted at each rise in emotional intensity (measured on the SUD scale of 0 to 10) to perform tapping rounds on the specific emotion emerging at that precise moment in the story. The patient only progresses in the narrative when the emotional intensity of the current passage has dropped back to 0 or 1. The entire story is thus traversed safely, never overwhelming the patient, with each emotional peak treated as it appears.

4. Principle of Restoring the Love Connection: One of the most powerful and beautiful aspects of EFT grief work is that once traumatic components are released, memories of the deceased are not erased — they are transformed. The patient can once again remember their loved one with tenderness and gratitude rather than with pain and distress. Traumatic memories (the body at the hospital, the agony) give way to memories of love (shared laughter, tender gestures, moments of complicity). The bond with the deceased is not broken — it is transformed from a bond of suffering into a bond of peaceful love. This is what Worden calls "finding a way to maintain the connection while reinvesting in life."

5. Principle of the Spiral and Respecting the Pace: Grief does not progress linearly but in a spiral — the patient may revisit already-treated emotions in new circumstances (an anniversary, a family celebration, the discovery of a forgotten photograph). The EFT practitioner respects this spiraling nature and never considers the return of an emotion as "failure" but as a new layer to process.

6. Principle of Permission to Live: Many bereaved individuals unconsciously develop the belief that resuming life, experiencing pleasure, or being happy constitutes a betrayal of the deceased. This belief — often deeply rooted and rarely verbalized — is one of the main obstacles to grief resolution. EFT allows this invisible loyalty to be verbalized, explored, and directly treated.

Technical Details

Main technique

Tell the Story adapted for grief — step-by-step narrative with stopping and tapping at each emotional peak

Complementary techniques

Tearless Trauma, Movie Technique, Tapping on specific aspects, Loyalty belief work

Theoretical framework

Worden's (2009) four tasks of grief model; Bowlby's attachment theory applied to grief; Shear et al. (2011) complicated grief model

Clinical references

Boath et al. (2014) — EFT for grief; Church et al. (2018) — EFT for grief-related PTSD symptoms; EFT Universe grief protocols

Session duration

60 to 90 minutes (grief sessions often require extended duration)

Recommended sessions

6 to 15 sessions depending on grief complexity, presence of unresolved prior losses, and circumstances of the loss

Recommended frequency

Weekly to biweekly, with possibility of closer sessions during acute phase

Assessment tools

ICG (Inventory of Complicated Grief), TRIG (Texas Revised Inventory of Grief), SUD (Subjective Units of Distress) for each specific aspect

Target populations

Bereavement (spouse, parent, child, friend), perinatal loss, pet loss, relationship loss (separation, divorce), anticipatory grief, professional loss (job loss, retirement), health loss

Delivery format

Individual preferred; group possible for similar grief types (bereaved parents groups, perinatal loss)

Main Indications

• Complicated or prolonged grief: when the grieving process has been blocked for more than 6–12 months with persistent intense distress, inability to function normally, intrusive thoughts about death circumstances, avoidance of reminders, or emotional numbness. Recognized as Prolonged Grief Disorder in DSM-5-TR
• Grief with traumatic component: sudden death (accident, suicide, homicide, heart attack), death under violent or medically traumatizing circumstances, body discovery, shocking death announcement
• Survivor's guilt: "I should have insisted they see a doctor sooner," "If I hadn't been late..." EFT is particularly effective at untangling realistic guilt from irrational guilt amplified by grief
• Anger and resentment toward the deceased: a taboo yet extremely common and powerfully blocking emotion — EFT offers a safe space to express and process this anger without judgment
• Regrets and unspoken words: the "I should have told them...," unforgiven requests, impossible reconciliations
• Perinatal grief: miscarriage, medical termination, stillbirth, neonatal death — often socially minimized with specific emotional layers: bodily guilt, identity failure, invisible grief loneliness
• Pet loss grief: often underestimated but potentially intense, particularly for those living alone. Euthanasia decision guilt is a frequent and intense aspect
• Relationship grief (separation, divorce): mourning the couple, the shared life project, the partner identity. Complicated by betrayal, narcissistic injury, sense of failure
• Anticipatory grief: when a loved one has a terminal illness, grief begins before death. EFT helps navigate anticipatory anxiety, distress at deterioration, helplessness
• Professional and health grief: job loss, forced retirement, chronic illness diagnosis, loss of body function — involving deep identity mourning

Session Overview

The EFT grief protocol unfolds in distinct phases, adapted to each session based on process advancement:

1. Welcome and current state assessment (10–15 min): The practitioner welcomes the patient with attentive, non-directive listening. Assesses current emotional state, overall distress intensity (SUD 0–10), events since last session (anniversary dates, triggers, observed progress). Identifies the dominant aspects of the day — what most occupies the patient's mind.
2. Identification of specific aspects (10 min): Guide questions: "When you think of [name], what is the first image that comes to you?" "Which precise moment is most painful?" "Is there an object, place, or smell that immediately triggers grief?" Each aspect is noted with its SUD intensity and dominant emotion.
3. Tell the Story protocol on priority aspect (25–35 min): The patient narrates the identified episode as if it were a short film. The practitioner interrupts at each emotional surge. Multiple tapping rounds are performed on the precise emotion and physical sensation. The narrative resumes only when the SUD drops to 0 or 1.
4. Secondary emotion treatment (15–20 min): Once the main traumatic aspect is desensitized, secondary emotions often emerge spontaneously — guilt hidden behind sadness, anger behind guilt, fear of the future behind anger. Each is treated with specific rounds.
5. Loyalty belief work (10–15 min, if applicable): Exploring implicit loyalty beliefs: "Do you feel that if you get better, it means something negative about [name]?"
6. Integration and loving reconnection (10 min): If desensitization has progressed sufficiently, guided connection to a happy memory while gently tapping — restoring the capacity to remember with love rather than pain.
7. Closure and self-EFT (5–10 min): Comparative SUD reassessment, progress acknowledgment, and simplified self-EFT protocol for use between sessions during acute distress moments.

Variations and Adaptations

Perinatal grief protocol: Specific adaptations include treating the ultrasound memory announcing bad news, bodily failure feelings, guilt related to medical decisions, confrontation with others' pregnancies, the painful "how many children do you have?" question, and the invisible, solitary nature of this grief.

Suicide bereavement protocol: Addresses particularly complex emotional layers: intense guilt, anger at the deceased's choice, social shame, rejection feelings, unanswerable looping questions. Practitioners work with increased sensitivity, often starting with Tearless Trauma.

Pet loss protocol: Treats the real intensity of this grief without judgment, including euthanasia decision guilt, the last look, returning to an empty house, absence of daily rituals.

Relationship grief protocol (separation, divorce): The complexity of grieving someone still alive. Treats betrayal, narcissistic injury, failure feelings, shared life project loss, impact on children, confrontation with the ex-partner's new life.

Anticipatory grief protocol: Accompanies the different phases: diagnosis shock, anger at illness, distress at deterioration, helplessness, caregiver exhaustion, guilt about wishing it would end.

Borrowing Benefits grief group: Groups of 6–8 participants sharing similar grief types, using the Borrowing Benefits technique. Particularly powerful for isolating grief types where sharing with others in the same situation has inherent therapeutic value.

Letter to the deceased with EFT: Combining therapeutic writing with EFT. The patient writes a letter expressing everything unsaid, then each emotionally charged passage is treated with EFT. Particularly powerful for regrets and impossible reconciliations.

Contraindications and Precautions

• Very recent grief (shock phase, 0–2 weeks): in the first days following loss, the patient is in a protective shock and denial phase. Introducing structured EFT too early may force premature emotional confrontation. During the acute phase, the practitioner limits work to empathic listening and stabilization tapping rounds
• Severe concurrent major depression: if grief has triggered a major depressive episode with suicidal ideation, the patient must be referred for psychiatric care first. EFT can complement once medically stabilized
• Dissociative disorder: some patients with traumatic grief develop dissociative mechanisms requiring specialized training and clinical supervision
• Multiple or cumulative grief: when a patient accumulates unresolved losses, a structured and progressive treatment plan is needed, starting with the oldest or least charged grief
• Ongoing legal proceedings: if the death is subject to legal proceedings, emotional work may interfere with legal processes
• Family pressure: the patient must never be "sent" to grief therapy against their will. Informed consent and personal motivation are absolute prerequisites